Carly Grissom's Guide To Dealing With Your Parents
by Corinna McDonald
Summary: Carly Grissom reveals the ten rules to dealing with your parents. GSR, futurefic


A/N: Silly little thing I wrote some time ago on the plane to Japan. Because the world has not yet shifted on its axis, I don't own CSI. Enjoy! Also, the blasphemy, not meant to offend anyone.

Carly Grissom's Guide to Dealing With Your Parents 

Rule Number One: Never, ever wake up early on the weekends. And if you do, invest in a good pair of earplugs and a quick-acting heavy sedative.

Carly Grissom rolled over in her bed and yawned. Jesus Christ, was it only eight in the morning? Carly was of the firm opinion that it should be illegal to get up that early on a weekend. Carly bitched and moaned about getting up at six on school days, and here she was, up at eight, without five alarm clocks and a warning call from her boyfriend, Cole Stokes. _Damn those cosmos._

Carly punched her pillow and closed her eyes, willing her body to go back into the nice, catatonic sleep that, as a teenager, she fully appreciated.

The groan stopped her.

It wasn't any, _'oh, damn. I have to wake up' _groan.

Oh, no. This was '_somebody's gettin' lucky in the next room_' groan. And frankly, Carly did not want to think about that. The groan was quickly followed by voices Carly recognized as her parents.

"Sara!" Her father moaned in what he must've believed to be a quiet voice.

"Gil!" Sara answered.

"_Eeeeeeew_." Carly's face contorted into a grimace and she did what any sane sixteen year old would do.

Rule Number Two: When you hear your parents having sex, immediately let them know you're awake. Embarrass them as much as possible.

Carly grabbed the remote to her stereo system from her end table and frantically hit power, switching it to the radio. She desperately jammed her thumb at the volume button, trying to drown out her parents with some nice, angry Kelly Clarkson. Carly turned on the lamp next to her bed and ran to the light switch, turning on the overhead.

Finally the noises stopped.

Rule Number Three: After being completely mortified and scarred for life, flee to the kitchen and prepare breakfast while trying to force the deeply disturbing images of your parents out of your mind. Warning; the images won't give up without a fight.

Carly opened her bedroom door and thundered down the stairs into the house's spacious kitchen, noting the two cups of coffee sitting half-finished on the table next to a plate of now-cold bagels and eggs. _Oh, wrong. Couldn't they at least clean up or something first? At least pretend like they were sleeping? Grossgrossgrossgrossgross! _

She decided it was a Lucky Charms sort of morning, and proceeded to pour herself a gigantic bowl of the marshmallow cereal. _Oh…that was icky. Beyond reason. Lucky Sophie, off at college. Doesn't have to deal with mom and dad anymore. Oh…that was so wrong. WRONG._

Carly rifled through the newspaper until she found the comics. That would help de-squick her. _Who am I kidding? I'm going to need so much therapy._

Rule Number Four: Try not to scream too loudly when your dad comes into the kitchen two minutes later.

"Carly?" Gil Grissom's voice was perfectly clear, he hadn't woken up two minutes ago. He'd been awake for some time.

"Ahh!" Carly screamed, flinging her spoon across the kitchen.

"Are you okay?" Gil picked the spoon up off the floor.

"Fine." Carly gasped, trying to get her breathing under control. "You just surprised me."

Gil tossed her a suspicious look, but proceeded to get another spoon from the cutlery drawer and hand it to Carly. "Are you sure? You look a little pale."

"Fine." Carly assured him, plunging her spoon into the bowl of cereal and shoving another bite of Lucky Charms into her mouth. "It's probably just a cold or something. Nothing to get excited – I mean worried about."

Another look. "Your mom's going out tonight with Catherine, so it'll be just us. You want to rent a movie and we can make pizza?"

"Sure. Sounds fine." Carly searched for the TV times, trying to keep from looking her dad.

"Morning." Sara, the earliest riser in the family, usually up by six thirty or seven, even on weekends, was the last to arrive in the kitchen.

"Morning, honey." Gil gave her a kiss on the cheek.

"Morning, mom." Carly barely kept her Lucky Charms from making a reappearance on the breakfast table.

"What are your plans for the day, sweetheart?" Sara asked Carly, who'd finished her Lucky Charms and was busy washing the bowl and stashing it in the dishwasher.

"Oh. Uh, nothing. Cole was going to come over and we might go see a movie."

"Sounds fun. Let me know if you need the car."

"It's okay." Carly was painstakingly loading every dish into the dishwasher. "Cole's borrowing his dad's."

"Okay. Thank you for doing the dishes, Carly."

"No problem." Instead of the good morning kiss she usually gave her dad, Carly shut the dishwasher and rushed back to her room.

Rule Number Five: Don't talk to your friends about it. They'll be just as scarred.

"It was…eew!" Carly squealed, burying her face in her hands. "It was so not okay."

"That is pretty wrong." Cole agreed, flooring the gas pedal to get on the freeway. "So what movie should we go see?"

"Anything with lots of blood and guts and no romance, please." Carly requested with a shudder. "That's all I ask."

"I think they're having a Terminator marathon at the Crest." Cole agreed.

"Sounds fine." Carly agreed. "Ohhhh…what an awful morning."

"Well, at least…they're still into each other." Cole offered weakly. "That's a good sign."

Carly glared at him over her sunglasses. "Thank you. That's exactly what would make me feel better right now."

"Glad I could help."

Carly punched him in the arm.

Rule Number Six: Your parents will always pick the exact most awkward moment to have the safe sex talk with you. This should just about qualify.

"Carly, I want to talk to you." Her mother was waiting at the kitchen table. "You'll probably be even more uncomfortable having this discussion with your father, so let's…before he comes home."

_Please, no. If there is a God, let this be a dream. Please, no. No, no, no, n-_

"I know you and Cole have been going out for almost a year now, and you two are probably having some…urges. Now, I'm not saying that it's wrong, if it's with the right person-"

_Nooo…this isn't happening…_

"But you're only sixteen, and you should be absolutely sure about it. Not that Cole isn't a good guy. Your father and I couldn't be more pleased with the two of you. I recognize that you will ultimately be the one to make this decision, but please be careful about it. You could make an appointment with Dr. Glass and I wouldn't even have to know."

_Please. Kill me now._

"But even if you're on birth control, use a condom. Because condoms break and birth control doesn't always work, but together, they're highly effective.

_I may actually puke._

"And get tested. I know, you two probably haven't been sexually active before, but you should still get tested. Better safe than sorry."

_Oh, I'm sorry. Very, very sorry._

"Well, I'm glad we had this talk. I've got to get going if I'm going to meet Catherine on time for the movie. I'll see you later, sweetie."

Rule Number Eight: Never, ever, ever, _ever_ discuss it with your parents. Even if you're held at gunpoint. Just…avoid the subject at all costs.

"Carly, I brought pizza. Extra cheese, your favorite!" Gil shouted. "And I picked up Legally Blonde."

No reply.

"Carly?" Gil approached her room and knocked on the door.

Still no response.

"Carly?" Gil entered her room and lifted one side of her headphones off of her ear.

Carly screamed, whirling around and catching her dad in the stomach with her iPod. "Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hit you."

Gil shook his head. "It's fine. Carly, are you sure you're okay? You've been awfully jumpy all day. And you woke up pretty earl – oh."

The conversation died.

"Yeah, I uh, I gotta get back to my homework." Carly reddened and replaced the headphones, turning back to her computer. _Why? Why must the universe torture me?_ Carly turned up her iPod.

Rule Number Nine: Your parents will always talk about it, once they figure out what happened.

"Carly, we're really sorry about this morning." Sara apologized. "That must have been pretty embarrassing, huh?"

Carly glanced from parent to parent. "You mean like this is right now?"

"Oh, uh. Yeah. So, we're sorry. And…we're sorry."

"Really sorry." Grissom repeated.

Rule Number Ten: Parents never learn.

_Damn it. Another early weekend. Well, this can't end as badly as – that was not a groan. That was not a –_

"Sara!"

Carly punched her pillow and sat up. "I'M AWAKE!" She yelled at the top of her lungs. "I'm fully awake and I know what's going on in there! I know how I got here, I don't need a demonstration. Seriously, EEW!" Carly jammed her face into her pillow and clenched her eyes shut. "I'm going back to sleep. Try not to ruin my second weekend in a row."

Carly could practically hear both of her parents blush from the next room over.


End file.
